I have to reinvent myself…


I have to reinvent  myself.  The person I’ve been is no longer enough. Enough, I’m not even sure that’s the right word. But definitely the person I’ve been is not meeting expectations, the expectations of others as well as my own.  But how does a person reinvent them self? How do you go from living your life one way and then switch to a completely different way? How do you pull a high paying career out of a background of “stay at home mom”? And it’s not just that, there are so many other expectations; be athletic, be thin, be young, cook healthy, delicious meals, keep the house clean, have life long friends that you have deep and meaningful conversations with, take care of your aging parents, be involved at church, reach out to your unsaved friends, have a hobby, support your husbands dreams, follow your passion, be there for your kids, dance like no ones watching, have a vibrant marriage, take time to smell the roses. Oh, and don’t forget  to deal with your own emotional baggage, forgive your enemies, read your bible, pray, turn the other cheek…. 

 So, how does someone reinvent them self? Yeah, I don’t know either. But it looks like I will be finding out. And I will admit, I am someone who is reluctant to change. I don’t like risk, I like caution. I like security, safety and predictability. If you asked me where I wanted to go for lunch, any where at all, I would probably tell you Panera, and I would order the Fuji Apple Chicken Salad.  My fave. Reluctant. To. Change. Definitely me. But I don’t think that I’m alone in that, in fact Esther comes to mind. You know, Esther, yeah that Esther. The one that saves her people from being destroyed, the one that was born “for such a time as this”. I know what you’re thinking, no way does someone who orders the same salad over and over have anything in common with someone who risked her life to save her people. But if you remember, she was reluctant too, she tried to excuse herself from it. In Esther 4, Mordecai was fasting in sackcloth and ashes and Esther sent him clothes with the message please stop, stop drawing attention to yourself. He reminded her that she was in the perfect position to do something about it and she deferred, she shrank back, she gave an excuse, she all but said no. You know the rest, God used her to stop the evil Hamaan and save her people. So despite her reluctance, despite her desire, (and yes I probably am reading a little into it), to settle in to her life and routine as the wife of the king she “reinvented herself”. She was brave when she had been timid, she put herself in the spotlight when she could have safely sat in the shadows. And here is something else that I noticed when she made the decision to reinvent herself, in Esther 4:15 she sent Mordecai this message, “…go and gather all the Jews of Susa and fast for me. Do not eat or drink for three days night or day. My maids and I will do the same”.  She asked for those around her, as many as possible, to fast and pray for her. She knew this was not something she could do on her own, this kind of responsibility and change of focus wasn’t something she could pull off. She needed the support of those who knew and loved her. She needed faithful prayers to an all powerful God that could move on her behalf. So, as I make these changes, as I push forward into the terrifying unknown, I will be asking those that are near and dear to me to pray for me, fast even. Because this is not something I can do alone.